#we queer as hell in this household

[nekrofager]

I made pride icons for me and my person. Cuz they make me gay as hell.

Anyone who would like a little icon like this can get it for free!

Requests are open during pride, just shot me a ref and what flag colors you want.

[im-not-a-virgo-im-a-lesbo]

YAYYYYY, ITS PRIDE MONTH!!!!!!

Compiling some lgbtq movies to watch throughout the month, and I've already made myself a playlist

[that-ineffable-devil]

I'm processing a lot of emotions tonight and I keep being drawn back to Good Omens--not just because it's the new hyperfixation or because it's so good. That's what I thought it was, at first.

But this year--hell, the last 3 or 4 months especially, I finally started taking steps to accepting and being myself. I'm rapidly approaching middle age and I'm only just now beginning to feel like I'm allowed to be me. I came out to the people in my household, a few select friends, and a few select family members--most of whom were wholly supportive. I started testosterone injections. I stopped trying to be someone I'm not. I stopped hiding who I am and who I love.

What does this have to do with Good Omens? Nothing. But also... Everything.

So much queer representation is in characters vastly younger than me--and that's good! I want queer kids to feel safe and loved and accepted in ways I never did. They deserve better than we had. And it gives me hope for their futures. I bawled like a baby when I watched The Owl House with my son and he was totally unphazed by the queerness. It's just how people are to him.

But when something like Good Omens comes along and not only grabs every opportunity to show average, everyday old(er) queer representation... It just. I've never felt more seen. More accepted. More hope for all our futures. And season 2 just knocked that out of the fucking park. And the nonbinary, genderfluid, and genderqueer rep? My God.

And it's not subtext, it's not it's own separate plotline where they're fighting for acceptance or dealing with hateful bigotry... It's just... Accepted. It's normal. No one questions it. No one even comments on it.

It's people of any age (even millions of years old) being unapologetically themselves and loving who they love openly and fully (with one notable uncommunicative group of two ineffable idiots, but they'll get there).

I just.

I can't express how grateful I am to see older queer rep at this time in my life. It's been a rough year, and I expect it'll get rougher before it gets better. But I've never been happier in my own skin, and it means the absolute world to see my literary and media heroes like Neil Gaiman, David Tennant, and Michael Sheen (and Terry Pratchett and everyone who worked on Good Omens, honestly) making this beautiful, messy, adorable, excruciating, wonderful, heartbreaking, ethereal, down-to-earth tale.

There aren't enough words in all the languages of the world to express how I'm feeling. "Thank you" just feels... Insufficient.

I just hope they know how much it means to people like me, especially after a lifetime of buried subtext and overt queerbaiting and media ridicule and general lack of acceptance, to experience this story with them.

[interstellarsystem]

Experiences With Being Out as a System

So, our parents know we're a system. It's all good, they understand that when we suddenly speak like someone from London that it's just another guy taking the body for a spin real quick and that they don't need to question it too much.

The thing is... They don't know our names, or anything about us as individuals. We don't have enough open communication with them to actually discuss the inner-workings of the hundreds of little guys in our brain and who they are or what they like, but even if we did, it's not actually important to them. It almost seems like it's swept under the rug.

Our mother said that she doesn't get why she should have to know anyone else when we're all "us". We're all just a collective to her still, a bunch of bits that make up her child, even though she knows we're separate. Her child, the original, isn't here anymore. But the thing is.. some of us want to get to know her and the family individually. Even beyond just being seen as who we actually are, we want to be a part of it aside from being treated as someone who is gone. But it's not a thing they understand despite our explanations of what it means to us, even despite the fact they know the original is dormant and has been for years.

The most anyone in our family knows about us is our mother, and she only knows anyone with a voice similar to Sark as "the american one". She doesn't know that there's even multiple who sound similar to him.

Technically, we're out as a system. Effectively, though... We're still closeted. Though not really because we're staying in it, moreso that we left but it follows us around like a shield within our own household, but it's not shielding us. It's shielding them from us.

Our experience with talking to medical professionals has been hard because of this--sharing bits about ourselves has been scary. It's scarier to show them pictures of our nonhuman headmates and say "that one is me", but it's never actually been bad when we've mustered up the strength to do it. One of them looked at Mal and saw his horns and said he looks like a faun from Greek mythology. Even though he's not, a positive response like that was empowering. That same one said Filigree's hair was cool. Little acknowledgements about who you are when you've tried to be seen before is great.

With our IRL friends, we expected the situation to be similar to our parents. Swept under the rug like a taboo and given weird, uncomfortable looks when spoken about. But it's been completely different.

We get asked who is fronting, we get acknowledged as separate people, hell, we even felt comfortable telling them about our actual fictive identities and letting the ones who wanted to follow this blog (hey guys if you're reading this <3) get access to it. They acknowledge our nonhumanity and nonhuman parts, share things about our sources with us because it reminded them of us, etc. Sometimes, now, because we've been open about it, we get people actually ask "is x fronting" and we say yes and they say "I knew it".

That specific feeling of being recognised even when your outward appearance doesn't change is absolutely amazing. Little manerisms, little ways our voice sounds even when masking accents out in public, even the words we choose to use are tells toward who is actually controlling the body and they pick up on it--even things we might not recognise we even do. Sure, there's hundreds of people in here and people won't know every single one off by heart, but the ones who are out here often are being recognised and that, to me, is amazing and validating to all of us.

I guess the point here is me sharing our experiences, but also.... You will be able to find people who see you for you. You as a system, you as a nonhuman, you as a disabled person, you as a queer person--you'll be able to find your people. And you know, I hope you do soon--because the feeling of being known is great.

[ohrightgaypeople]

this chapter defies religion and I love it

I'll start this by prefacing that this is what great character development looks like 👆

and sorry for the tangent/rant is this going to become because, truly, 19 Days has no religious plot or tones, doesn't offer commentary or criticism on it- hell!! it has nothing to do with it at all

yet my hurt heart can help but heal a little bit more every time a queer piece of media has moments like this

ngl, when I started reading the chapter I was nervous, but afterwards it became one of my faves of the series; it gives the same vibe as Charlie's final talk w/ Ben in the Heartstopper series

we, who grow up on extremist religious households, are often groomed to the idea of "always forgiving", always taking the "high ground" and "being the better person" - whatever it even is supposed to be like. and it takes a long time to shake off the guilt of simply not wanting to forgive someone that hurt

because, here's the thing, YOU DON'T!! nb needs to forgive everyone; forget and move forward? absolutely, yes. but if someone pushed you too far and you want nothing to do with them anymore, it's your right to it. you're not going to hell, nor is any other Deity you believe going to punish you for that

it's why scenes like this, specially to lgbt ppl, is so important and will always have a deep impact on me (and a lot of others, I'm sure)

Translation: @19daysmanhua

[starrycassi]

I think a lot of young queers folks (like me. Not trying to be all elderly about this I'm literally a gen z) today need to watch the good oldies about our community.

⚠️: I don't mean, in any way shape or form to insult the newer queer shows/movies. I love SPOP. I love TOH. I read and loved Heart stopper. However, because of the restraint of mainstream media, they have a very... palatable?? way to portray the community. I am NOT blaming the creators (who I'm sure would love to go a bit further down on their portrayals if given the option)

SO! I have nice recommendations that I, personally, enjoy a lot. They're in no particular order.

A classic, for starters. But I'm a cheerleader!: Very campy, barbie-y, funny and free on YouTube. A cheerleader is sent to a conversation camp when her social circle realizes that she might be into girls. (It has a very unrealistic portrayal of conversation camps, though. Very cartoony) my comfort movie fr fr

Priscilla, queen of the desert: A trio of drag queens travel across the desert on a big, old bus. They fight, there's some falling in love. They talk a lot about gender identity, queer childhoods and similar topics. I've only been able to find this one (and most of the ones on this list, since I don't have any streaming devices) on illegal websites. There's very, very direct homophobia, SA, physical abuse, child neglect, yk, the American dream. The queens are the funnier thing ever, the romance plotlines are absolutely delightful and well-rounded. Focuses a bit more on the community itself and interpersonal relationships. All around, a solid 10/10.

Kinky boots: A very prude, engaged man inherits a shoe fabric. He's running out of ideas to stay in business, until he meets a drag queen. Same warnings (and themes!) as the last one. This one has a stronger focus on how the characters become more accepting and how our queen navigates being faced with them. I've rewatched it like a hundred times.

The birdcage (2000's) or le cauge aux folles (1970'): A gay couple runs a drag club. Their son brings home a conservative girlfriend and her family. This is more comedy lenient, but funny as fuck nonetheless.

Paris is burning: this one is a documentary, btw. Focuses on the life of drag queens in the 80's. Nothing I didn't already say on Priscilla tbh.

Saving face: A chinese-american girl that lives in a VERY conservatory and secluded community is trying (and failing) not to fall in love with a ballerina. At the same time, her mother (a widow, how scandalous!) gets mysteriously pregnant and gets kicked out of their family home. This one will hit close to home if you're from any ethnic, homophobic household. Cried a lot. Then cried some more. Happy ending, though!

D.E.B.S: THIS IS THE FUNNIEST, CUTEST MOVIE EVER. It's a full on romance comedy for when the mind is a bit too tired! The main plot is that, in a school of girls being trained to be top-notch spies (very totally spies type) a girl who's the top of her class falls in love with the biggest villainess they ever faced. More of a coming of age thing, that also explores the good old dilemma of choosing what the hell you're supposed to do with your life once you turn 18 (relatable tbh)

And now, for a book (in Spanish, though) we have "Las Malas": Narrated by a trans, poor prostitute. Extremely realistic in its narrative voice, cruel and very hurtful sometimes. This is actually one of my favorite books ever, it's so fucking underrated that I'm going to die if no one reads it. There's EVERYTHING. It genuinely drives me crazy to read this. We have queer moms, a child found in a freezing park, suicides, literally anything happens. I love it.

If anyone has any suggestions PLEASE drop them. I'm begging u

[hoverboards-and-dragons]

Heaven and Hell, especially winners and sinners, have two very conflicting and entirely wrong views of Lucifer and I really enjoy it

Heaven would be absolutely terrified of him, he has not step foot there since the early days of creation they only have two frames of reference, the top dog of hell that the higher ups are always whispering about rebellion from, and the statues, reverence and stories glorifying the Archangels as impossibly ancient even more powerful, oldest of God’s children, practically deities in their own right etc etc and whatever few pieces including the Morningstar remain

Hell is just like “that’s our little big guy” we have not seen an ounce of respect for him even from the older members who knew him before he fell apart, given what he’s like seeing him in person more probably doesn’t help

But like, sinners see maybe one(1) Goetia in their entire afterlife, they don’t know bible lore and even if they did they don’t know which parts are accurate, Lucifer is just an overlord+ to them

The realm wide argument where both parties are wrong is just so fun to me, it’s purposeful propaganda versus uneducated misinformation

He just wants to make ducks and love his wife, he told God to His face to fuck off, murder and gore still make him a bit queasy, he’s the second oldest thing Ever, he’s just some queer AuDHD kid who grew up in a strict religious household with more kids than it could handle, he painted the dawn’s colours upon the sky and invented the math that makes stars work, his back hurts

Hes the devil from the bible

I lov him so very much

[orionsangel86]

I’m not sure how much sense this will make since it’s almost midnight, but am I crazy for thinking how insane it is for Charles to go “I can’t say that I’m in love with you back or anything” and then immediately follow up with ��but there’s no one else who I’d go to Hell for”? Cause like, my brain doesn’t know how to not interpret that as Charles reciprocating Edwin’s specific type of love, but not realizing it. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a super religious household so I already have some predispositions about Heaven and Hell, but my point of view for that is just thinking that someone better be pretty damn special for me to go to Hell for them. Like a wife or kid kind of special.

I don't think its crazy to interpret it that way at all. I think its rare to find that level of devotion among two people and when used as a trope it is usually related to extreme romantic love - see the OG Orpheus and Euridice as the prime example. Charles comparing himself to Orpheus in that moment (however naively because he didn't know how the story ended) is far more telling than he seems to realise.

That's not to say that only people with romantic/passionate feelings for someone can experience that level of devotion. Familial and forms of queer platonic love can also certainly be that devoted, and I have seen a lot of people talking about how they view the boys relationship as a queer platonic one, where Charles in particular, doesn't need to feel romantic love in order to be completely devoted to Edwin. I think that's a really great form of representation and can go someway to explaining how much of a deep and profound bond the two have (as a SPN fan I do not use that term lightly lol).

Though I think throughout the series we see Charles display forms of jealousy towards Edwin's connection with Monty and the Cat King, and he does also confirm he likes Crystal because she reminds him of Edwin - even he was joking at the time. I also think it was lovely that in the confession he doesn't once say that he isn't into guys, or that he doesn't think he could ever feel something more romantic for Edwin. He just says he isn't in love with him at that point. Whether or not that particular statement was the whole truth or just Charles' own form of denial and inability to properly process the confession since they were literally running away from a horrible giant spider doll demon from Hell at that point in time remains to be seen.

I think enough hints have also been dropped during cast and writer interviews that if they get a season two, it will go some way to explore Charles' own feelings and build on the aftermath of that confession. Whatever the situation between them is, it is the primary relationship of the show and it is quite clearly built on love and devotion regardless of what forms they or we interpret that as. They have literally forever to figure it out, and I really hope we get to watch at least some of that!

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

I think what I need right now is a story where a bunch of women, queer people, poc, and allies defeat a bunch of asshole white guys 😭😭

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️

FUCK YEAH! Again, skipping the queue for all election despair related inboxes as you are so very valid.

96 for 🧟‍♀️:

---

“We’re not sure,” Bobby says.

“They made it sound like there was more of them,” Athena adds. 

“It’s good that you’re back,” Bobby tells him. “We need all the manpower we can get."

“What’s the plan for if the wannabe warlords come back?” Eddie asks. 

Well, this is Karen’s moment. 

She steps forward. “I think we can blow them up.”

Everyone looks at her sort of blankly. Everyone except the red headed stranger. She just smirks. 

“Oh, I like you,” she says. “How can I help?”

▪️▪️▪️

Karen explaining what she and Maddie have been working on is interrupted by an honestly tearful reunion between Christopher and his mother. 

When Hen brings Chris down to the foyer, he practically shrieks with joy when he sees her. Shannon. That’s how she introduces herself. When Shannon sees Chris, hears him call for her, she breaks into a sprint. She lifts him into her arms and squeezes him, crying. 

It chokes Karen up. She has to find Hen and hold onto her arm. She can only imagine what it would have been like for this woman. She doesn’t know Shannon and Eddie’s story at all, but she has to assume there’s a fairly high chance she spent the better part of a year believing her child was dead. Karen isn’t sure what that would do to her. Psychologically. She thinks it would mess her up really badly. 

All the more reason to incinerate these fuckers that would take her boy. 

Shannon spends some time alone with Christopher while Abby and the other woman, Taylor, explain their situation. A household of women killing zombies and protecting other women against men taking advantage of anarchy? Sounds pretty awesome. And sort of gay? But Karen won’t linger too much on that point. 

“So you just happened to run into Buck and Eddie?” Chim asks. “Like conveniently out of the blue?”

Buck and Eddie exchange a look. Eddie’s cheeks get a little red. What the hell happened there? 

“Yep,” Eddie answers. “Pretty random. We’re lucky.”

“I bet that was a surprise for you, eh, Abby?” Chim continues. 

“Oh, you have no idea,” Abby replies. 

There’s a story there. When Karen has more time and less impending doom, she will be nosy. Really nosy.

▪️▪️▪️

Eventually, there is nothing for Karen to do but return to her work while the others talk. Maddie joins her after a few minutes, and a few minutes after that, Buck barges into the room where they’re working. 

“Hi, Buck,” Karen says. “You keep bringing people back and we’re going to run out of space eventually. We’ll need to build some bunk houses.”

“Ha,” Buck laughs weekly. “Well, I don’t think anyone but Eddie and Chris want to stay, but… Actually… Maddie, can we talk?”

“Of course,” Maddie says. “Can it wait until we finish working, or do you need me right now?”

“Uh, can I talk while you work?” Buck asks. 

Karen gives him a look. “Because you’re never distracting?”

“Okay, I made you mix up the seeds one time,” Buck defends. 

“That was gardening. This is explosives,” Karen points out. 

“And, uh, this is sort of an explosive revelation I’ve had, so…”

Maddie and Karen exchange a look.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” Maddie says.

“Better be good, though,” Karen warns. 

Buck sighs. “Okay. I… Well, see… Eddie and I had a lot of time to talk, driving and then walking around Los Angeles.”

“Okay?” Maddie asks. “You made a friend?”

“Uh… Not quite just that.”

Karen’s jaw drops. “Shut up.” 

“Wait,” Maddie narrows her eyes, processing. “What?”

“We…” Buck taps his foot nervously. 

Karen grins. “I had a feeling about you.”

“A feeling?” Maddie asks. “What feeling?”

“Eddie and I sort of hooked up,” Buck explains.

Karen holds back a little excited squeak. She’s gotten to know Buck pretty well over the past months. All the wonderful and baffling things about him. 

[ratfreecog]

Got any trans fem soda hcs to share

Oh boy do I

I think at some point after Soda came out her and Steve started dating lol. It probably didn’t last long and was more of a “ah shit can we be friends if you’re a girl? Maybe we should date instead”. There were some good things that came of it though, and they both learned a lot about each other, and were still perfectly happy being best friends and normal when they broke up. Though, Steve does still take Soda out on lowkey dates sometimes. They kinda did that before Soda came out too, but now it just has a slightly different meaning and tone. Especially if Soda is feeling kinda down, she loves being treated like the prettiest girl in town and getting taken on dates.

Pony and Soda definitely bond over being two queer siblings. They also annoy the hell out of Darry with it, and Darry gets so nervous about how much he’s allowed to push back without offending them.

I can imagine you walk into the Curtis household there is an incredibly high chance you will be hearing homophobic slurs, but if anyone else says anything to either Pony or Soda, the entire gang will hunt them down. They will not be seeing another day

Lowkey wanna make a headcanon about Soda getting jumped after she comes out but I usually try to keep things pretty happy and transphobia free so lmk if anyone is interested in that and maybe I’ll make a separate trigger warninged post

One more for the road! Soda loves picking flowers. She starts gardening, because it’s a perfect cross between her love for more traditionally feminine things that give her gender euphoria and still doing physical work and building strength. She likes making bouquets for her family and the gang

[p0is0n-is-th3-cur3]

My silly little (1030 word) analysis on The World is Ugly and how it's about homophobia/transphobia for those who care.

Tw: homophobia/transphobia, hate crimes, suicide.

“These are the eyes and the lies of the taken”

When you’re openly queer it feels like all eyes are on you, you get called slurs and lies and misinterpretations are spout towards you. Especially if you were raised in a religious space, you grow up learning that queer people are going to burn in hell, that you are a failure and a sinner.

“These are their hearts, but their hearts don't beat like ours”

Straight people don’t love the same way we do, they don’t understand us. Their hearts don’t beat like ours, they don’t live the same way we do. They don’t understand us, which often leads to them fearing and hating us.

“They burn 'cause they are all afraid”

Living in a bigoted/religious family, while being queer is hard. It’s scary, you’re constantly afraid, afraid of what would happen if they find out, afraid of what they’ll do if you slip up and out yourself. You have to misgender friends around them for you and your friends safety, you have to pretend lovers are just close friends.

This could also be referring to the fact that bigots are afraid of us, they might deny it but they are. 

“For every one of us there's an army of them”

It feels like there’s an army of bigots at your door at all moments, threatening you, telling you you’re a sinner and a groomer. That you'll burn in hell if you don't turn to their god and repent for nonexistent sins.

“But you'll never fight alone”

I feel like this depicts a lover, telling their parter that they don’t have to fight the oppression alone. That they’ll always have their back, that they’ll never fight alone. I see this in my own relationship, both me and my partner are living in religious households, being told that being queer is a sin. In my case as a person who is out to my family (though they think I’m nonbinary and lesbian) being told that I am a sinner, cursed to rot in hell for all eternity. 

“'Cause I wanted you to know that the world is ugly but you're beautiful to me”

Here the lover/found family member telling a person that while the world may be ugly, while they may be oppressed. While the world may be on fire, and dying, while wars may kill thousands an injure many more. That they are beautiful, that they are beautiful to them. 

“These are the nights and the lights that we fade in”

This could be depicting the lovers/found family running away from bigoted families to be together fading into the night to live their lives together happily. Free from the people who harmed them and kept them apart. It’s a story you hear a lot, leaving your bigoted family to be openly yourself, it’s a story that I hope to have some day.

“These are the words, but the words aren't coming out, they burn 'cause they are hard to say”

I’m going to take ‘coming out’ in the literal sense here. Telling bigoted family who you are is borderline impossible, those words are so incredibly hard to say. They’re like burning fire on your tongue, in your throat. Burning a hole through your very being because you know they could ruin your life. Being kicked out is a real possibility, a terrifying one at that. They could get you beat, shamed, sent to conversion therapy.

“For every failing sun there's a morning after”

Life feels so isolating as a queer person in a bigoted/religious space, like the sun is failing, like the night will never end. Here we see a lover/found family member insuring that even when the present is so dark and bleak, that there’s a morning after. There’s light ahead if you’re able to fight long enough to see it, that you will survive.

“Though I'm empty”

You feel so empty hiding, so empty pretending you’re okay. Like you’re a hollow shell, trying to stay alive long enough to get to that light. Looking in the mirror makes you feel sick, hollow. Your mind whispers “That isn’t you, that isn’t your body.” And you know you can’t do anything about it till you’re in a place where you can move away and live freely. You look at your partner while pretending to be just friends and all you can think of is being openly together, holding hands in public and declaring you’re taken. Every time someone asks you “Why aren’t you dating anyone yet?” and you have to say you just haven’t met the right person yet, when in reality you’ll never meet the right person because you don’t feel that way about people. It’s such a sad and empty feeling.

“Are you thinking of me like I'm thinking of you?”

A good amount of queer relationships are hidden, quiet and unnoticed. This often leads to feelings of doubt in your relationship, you struggle to tell if they do still truly love you. If they’re thinking of you like you’re thinking of them.

“These are the lies and the lives of the taken”

 Bigotry kills, the lies spread by bigots leads to hate crimes and suicides. Their lie take lives, their lies lead to dead children.

“These are their hearts, but their hearts don't beat like ours, they burn 'cause they are all afraid. But mine beats twice as hard.”

Queer people in religious spaces are forced to be resilient, we all know the rules. Keep your head up, avoid questions about dating, when unable to avoid the questions say you haven’t found the right person, blend in. Your heart figuratively beats twice as hard.

“Stop your crying, helpless feeling, dry your eyes and start believing. There's one thing they'll never take from you”

Here a lover/found family member is telling a person that they’ll be okay, to stop crying and believe that they’ll survive long enough to make it to a safe space. When you’re trapped in an unaccepting space it can feel so helpless, so painful. There’s one thing that bigots will never take from us, our queerness, our existence.

[lets-all-calm-down-a-bit]

This is my full analysis of Butters and misogyny, because I just felt the need to have it out there...

Whether you headcanon Butters as queer or not, there's no denying that he is very misogynistic. Some people stop there, then just label him as a bad person, but I'd like to talk about the why.

Before we get into things, we have to remember that he is 9 years old. Some things that Butters (and the other boys) engage in may not be misogyny, but the simple petty rivalry that commonly emerges at that age between boys and girls. I do say some, because there are definitely some things Butters has said or done that can't be passed off under that label.

The first thing we need to think about is Butters home life. Even in a toxic household, kids have a deep attachment to their parents. Often times this is because the parental figure will act perfectly fine at some points, while off the hook at others. If the kid ever starts to question how they're being treated, they feel guilty because they feel like they're being ungrateful to the nice guy who takes them out for ice cream and goes on bike rides with them.

Butters has respect for his parents, even if it's not deserved. Growing up in a strict religious (christian) household myself, I can say that there are some pretty rancid ideals that you are taught from a young age under the excuse of "gods will." Religion almost becomes a scapegoat for any controversial opinion your parents have that they don't have justification for. Butters was fed this stuff all his life. I can tell you that I personally didn't learn the absurdity of these ideals until I was nearing the end of 6th grade. Butters is right at the age where every question he asks his parents is new information that must be shared with the world. Because why would his parents be wrong?

So now that we've established this kid is pretty fucked up from the get-go, let's talk about femininity. Not only is Butters most likely parroting every misogynistic thing he hears from his parent because he assumes them to be fact, but he also has the issue of subconscious negative association. His dad stamps out/ridicules any feminine thing Butters does because of his own fragile ego. This is where I see the similarities with my Brother and Father's relationship.

When we were younger, my dad would yell at him and put a stop to anything remotely feminine. That led to him having an automatic association between feminine things, and getting in trouble. As he got older, he rebelled more and was more aware of how ridiculous my dad was being. However, he still had it in the back of his mind that feminine = bad. I see the same dynamic in Butters and his parents.

So yeah, he's really fucked up. How's he going to deal with it? Well, I can tell you right now that at 9 years old it sure as hell isn't going to be healthy. Like my brother, he's got this shit bottled up. He's going to have outbursts where he acts irrational and, well, offensive. In episodes where you see Butters behaving more aggressively than usual, or having angry outbursts, he may be angry about something else, but he's inadvertently releasing pressure from that bottle of everything he's internalized. My brother went through the same thing. He feels really fucking guilty when he looks back on it.

So yeah, these are some of the thoughts I have on his character regarding internalized misogyny.

[that-ineffable-devil]

Long post incoming, but I've been on and off it for days so you're gonna see it.

On Charles and Love

I think there's a lot more to Charles' reaction to Edwin's confession than what we may first assume.

Charles loves harder than anyone, but I don't think he even knows what it means or feels like to be IN love--or to be loved back. This isn't a dig at Edwin, so don't @ me. This has to do with Charles' past.

When Edwin first confesses on the steps of Hell, Charles doesn't even hesitate with his response: "Great, love you too, can we go now?" He does love Edwin, one way or another. He hasn't needed to examine that love any further. He doesn't think Edwin could mean it that way, because Edwin probably has never given any indication of feeling that for anyone. Perhaps he didn't think Edwin capable of love in that way. Perhaps it's his own repressed sexuality. Perhaps it's the feeling that he is inherently unlovable. Perhaps it's a combination of things.

On Edwin's and Charles' Repression

Look, Edwin is clearly autistic and heavily emotionally repressed--he's British, from 1916, and male. That's the perfect storm of emotional repression. But he clearly feels and feels deeply--he just doesn't always let on about it. (Which is such a nice thing to see for autistic representation, the "unfeeling alien" trope ain't it.)

And even though they've been together for 30 years, they clearly do not talk about deep emotions much, because it makes Edwin uncomfortable and Charles probably wouldn't manage to get much out before cracking a joke instead--it's his defense mechanism.

As for his own repression, Charles grew up in the 80s as a biracial kid with an abusive father. He was also at least questionably queer while alive: he was part of an alt crowd, wore eyeliner, and wore a single dangly earring. Now that doesn't mean for certain he's queer or questioning, but it IS a pretty common code in media and storytelling. And I imagine no small part of his father's excuses for abusing Charles had to do with "beating the queer out of him." Of COURSE that led to repression--how could it not?

On Feeling Unlovable

And the feeling that he's inherently unlovable? Does he really feel that way? I think so.

He wants it. He wants to be loved so badly. And because of that, he tries so hard. He tries to stay light and happy and kind, even when he's suffering underneath--he has his own flavor of emotional repression. Because if he can't be loved, he can at least be liked.

And he doesn't just want people to like him, he needs them to like him, because he needs to know he's likable. Because there's safety in being likable. There's safety in being funny and friendly and "a good sort of chap." It's proof he's not the monster his father was--the monsters his friends were. It's his shield. The shield he uses to protect himself from the world, yes, but also to protect the world from him. Or at least, who he thinks he is, deep down.

It's also, in his mind, his only chance at being loved. His only chance at staying loved. Because love is earned. Because love is the reward for good behavior. At least, that's how it was as a kid, right? And that's all he knows. He died before he could experience any other kind of love--besides the love between himself and Edwin, which is its own complicated matter.

The other difficult aspect of growing up in a household where love and affection were weaponized and where violence is an acceptable reaction to anger, is how it radically alters your perception of love and family.

You crave the love and validation you never received, but you also fear it and don't believe it's real when it comes without strings.

You struggle to identify love in healthy relationships because if it doesn't hurt, then is it really love?

And even though you crave it more than anything, you're afraid of it. You're afraid for things to get real, because real love--or your understanding of it--is dangerous.

Because love is a weapon and you can't bear for anyone to use it against you again.

Hurt People Hurt People...Sometimes

Trauma manifests differently in each person. There are some commonalities, but it's never exactly the same. I know the saying is "hurt people hurt people" and that's not entirely wrong. But sometimes, hurt people heal people--or at least try to. Charles is in the second group.

Charles never, ever wants anyone to feel the kind of love he knew while he was alive. So he paradoxically loves openly while remaining guarded. His loyalty and devotion are unmatched. He went to Hell for Edwin. But he also never told Edwin the truth about his father until essentially forced to. Because that involves vulnerability. It involves, in his eyes, weakness. And what did vulnerability and "weakness" get him in life? Well...dead.

But he craves reciprocation. He needs to feel like he can be vulnerable, safely. I don't think that Edwin has done anything to make him feel unsafe, but being that they're both emotionally surpressed boys killed by other boys for perceived weaknesses at 16 and the lack of a ghost therapist...it's not all that surprising they haven't dealt with their issues in 30 years.

I think this is why he latches onto Crystal so quickly and easily. Firstly, she's alive: he can at least pretend to ignore his own death for a bit. Secondly, she's his age (sort of) and can see him, which is an uncommon experience at best. Thirdly, again--she's alive, so it can never last--never be real. Either she'll age beyond him, or she'll die and likely be taken to her afterlife. Which he'll happily ignore for the first two reasons.

On Types of Love

I won't get too into this, because I'm in no way an expert in the wide variety of emotions attributed to love. But I will say this: Charles died at 16.

If we set aside the possibility of him being aromantic for now (which he absolutely could be), he may never have had the chance to fall in love while he was alive. If he could even recognize it for what it was. I mean, I'm in my 30s, been married and divorced twice, and I'm still not sure I've ever been in love. At 16, you're drowning in hormones and it can be hard to decipher feelings.

On Arrested Development

If you think about it, his death and subsequent ghostly afterlife are a supernatural version of the arrested development a lot of child abuse survivors experience. But his development arrested literally--he literally CAN'T grow up. At least, not physically.

He may have had 30 years to address his issues, but why would he have thought to? He doesn't have the same responsibilities or needs as a living adult. He's constantly on the job or on the run from Death, he's living with Emotional Repression the Person (my beloved), and frankly...it hurts to examine those problems. How many adults are actively avoiding their own issues?

On the Confession

Edwin, with the most heartwrenching tone of voice since David "I would like to spend" Tennant, makes clear that he's IN love with Charles. And for a moment Charles looks like he's been walloped in the gut with an iron bar, trying to process. But then the trauma-brain kicks in.

He finds the first "logical" explanation to someone (Edwin) telling him they love him: it's a literary reference, and Edwin is...maybe not "messing" with him, but maybe being extra dramatic about this? It can't be real.

But then Edwin gets upset--he's serious about this. And Charles sort of...short-circuits. He can't process this right now, not when they're running for their afterlives. Not when the Night Mother is waiting to split them up. Not when he's barely even begun to process his trauma. So he does everything he can to make sure Edwin knows that, no matter what, he loves him. Maybe not in the same way, but with the same depth.

Because they'll have time. They'll have all the time in the world to figure out what this means. Because they certainly don't right now, and everything Edwin is saying flies directly in the face of every opinion Charles has ever held about himself.

And what the hell is he supposed to do with that?

[verdemoun]

did the gang find out about macsummers in modern or canon times?

i have given up on answering asks in order i answer asks in order of the giggles they give me

the girlies of the gang all knew in canon era. karen, mary-beth, jenny, and tilly were all actively shipping them and directly responsible for sean realizing lenny was actually flirting with him. god knows if sean would have ever connected the dots in either era without them (to be fair lenny was flirting in that 19th century 'could be murdered in the street if he was outed' and spending adolescence in reform school did not help sean in learning how to understand subtext and contextual clues)

also please imagine lenny 19th century educated man flirting. thinking he's so smooth laying it on maybe a little too thick teaching sean to read starting with the happy prince, sean mentions it offhandedly to mary-beth who proceeds to choke on her coffee because She Knows

lenny and sean being together was such a core part of the quartet's dynamic that when lenny found jenny in modern era and said 'and sean's here too' jenny let out a sigh of relief because she was not putting up with lenny's lenny-ness on her own before going 'no oops that sounded fucked i'm super sad he died but also yay sean's here'

hosea is just side-eyeing them suspiciously for a few weeks because "HMM they seem awful co-dependent in a way i had not noticed in canon era. maybe it's trauma bonding? maybe they're clinging to their friendship more than they did in canon era to cope with oh god damn us all they're fucking aren't they"

bessie just tilts her head slightly in confusion "darling i know you were slightly distracted at the time but did you not see the way they embraced when they saw each other? i am almost certain this is not a new occurrence"

also shoutout to bessie who despite being a 50+ year old history lecturer who no one would expect to be in the know she very politely sat the boys (and her husband) down powerpoint presentation style to explain modern era queer lexicon like for the love of all that is holy please do not use the terms sodomite or pederast they have CHANGED MEANING (the term homosexuality wasn't considered popularized in america until 1906 like she would have had to explain... so much)

arthur was very confused because look he's a little behind the 8 ball at times and just assumed karen and sean + lenny and jenny would become things, moreso than actually taking issue with anyone's sexuality. they obviously all suffer from heteronormativity

and of course how much identities and terminology changed from 1999 to 2011 (when most of the gang got there) lenny spent a good two years unironically identifying as moronsexual

sean's dyslexic ass having to learn the acronyms he thought BLTs were gay sandwiches for weeks pray for him (he still calls them gay sandwiches in private and they are a staple of the macsummers household)

it took so long to get used to gay meaning queer instead of happy. still slip up and say they're feeling gay when someone asks how they're going then backpedaling wait no well yes but you didn't need to know that i Was in a great mood

most of the gang didn't really react - they ALL knew about hosea and dutch 'reading' in canon era so if it was going to be an issue it would have come up then. just 'oh cool good for you guys what the hell is with miniature moving picture box in the house are we rich'

bill was the only one who even questioned it? looking at all these same-sex couples discreetly wondering aloud if in the future it was the norm ('without' a hint of optimism in his voice) because i, the author, accidentally made them all very not cishet

maeve at the tender age of 4 looked this bear of a man in the eyes and called him a faggot (she picked it up from the gang using it affectionately)

bill had no idea what that meant but he did know it was something at his expense

[walrus150915]

Have you guys seen my other post talking about how Ambrosius n Ballister would look when they're middle aged?

Yea okay nvm I drew them together as old men yaoi again bc it's very funny

Ambrosius, you old rascal!👀

I love depicting older queer people being in love and living a calm cozy life with their families bc idk man... It makes me hopeful for the future

Ft. their kid Aquila and their kid-family friend-aunt-uncle-grandparent Nimona being annoyed with them (and I mean- wouldn't you be?)

By the way this post is framed I guess you could tell where I'm going with this

Headcanon time for the Boldheart household when Nimona is 1030yo, Ambrosius and Ballister are in their late 40s and their kid is a tween

- Nimona is a free traveler. She's done so many round-the-world trips that Magellan may choke from jealousy while burning in hell

- No matter where she is tho, she always comes back to Ballister and always shares new things she's seen and new friends she's made - people and animals alike. YES SHE HAS A TON OF FRIENDS SHE ALWAYS WANTED BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE DESERVES!!! MY BABY😭

- She always makes her comeback a surprise: jumps from the roof on Bal's head, flies dramatically, knocks on the door to pretend she's a deliveryman or a postman

- Ballister works as an engineer bc the raw SKILL this fella used to build an arm WHILE having one is unmatched. "If you're good at something, you gotta proceed to get a career in this field, otherwise you're just wasting your potential" © my Asian mom (jk don't do this. I'm no professional artist but I draw bc it's my hobby)

- He probably worked on the deconstruction of the wall. The symbolism would be great + it'd make sense for his character!

- My man is overworking because of course he does. Nimona tries her best to slap it out of him but this man is a workaholic and nothing can fix it I'm afraid

- I have no idea what Ambrosius's job is. Sry😭

- I know it must be something artsy and something which doesn't bring much money. Ambrosius is BLOOMING at work tho. He's doing something he likes! Not something his parents made him do! And he's enjoying it! Knowing he'll get back home to his kid and husband and Nimona and hug them all sweetly!!

- Aquila is mostly B-student who's described as "Your child studies well, Mr Boldheart, but they need to be more active and social in the class"

- Aquila doesn't have much friends outside of their family. Their parents and Nimona are worried about it more than they are

- Nimona made it her undertaking to make sure Aquila doesn't feel the way she used to in a situation like this

- When she's in the mood, Nimona takes Aquila to school by using her powers. It's pretty much the norm for Aquila to arrive to school on the horse or on the back of an eagle or on the rhino lol

If we've started with Goldenheart, I guess we could also continue with them? (a tiny bit of spice under the cut)

- They're still disgustingly in love. Like it's cringy how in love they are

- They try to keep the sparkle alive no matter how repetitive their routine gets

- Slow dancing (which is actually just cuddling and rocking side to side together) in the kitchen? Kissing each other before and after work? Having romantic dinners from time to time? Yea that's their kinda stuff

- That sparkle also includes trying out new things in bed. They don't have as much energy as they used to tho😭 Instead of going two or even three rounds like they used to they'd rather just sleep WJJSSJJAJJWEJSJS

- [seahorse dad Bal since trans!Ballister headcanon is one of my favorites] Ambrosius's worshipping of Ballister's body increased 100x after Aquila was born bc THIS FELLOW MAN whom he loves VERY MUCH beared THEIR CHILD in his body for 9 months, how's that not amazing? A thing this man has for competence of his husband is insaneeeee

- I feel like their love life has only got better as the time went on

- As all parents do, these two learnt how to do everything very quietly

- Nimona could finally sleep calmly thank the creator they had a kid who made them learn

Okay I'm done with spice. Let's talk sweet (aka random ig)

- Bal cracks his joints a lot (grandpa LLLLL)

- Aquila DOES NOT have it good on Father's day

- Nimona teases Ballister for getting older (as a joke) but she's kinda worried about him, since he does get grey hair, wrinkles n stuff and. Uh. She doesn't. So-

I'M SORRY IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE ANGSTY

- Aquila is trilingual so real of them

- Yea the Boldheart household is multilingual. One could say something in English and the other would answer in Urdu no problem

I think that's about it. I blogged this earlier than planned bc I pressed the wrong button but I hope you enjoy this whiplash of my brainrot nevertheless

Heading to school rn. See ya when I come up with new things to talk abt wfvbhhnj!!!

[colonyorats]

So, all credit to my very close friend @silly-boi-broski for reminding me of this song because I need to write a whole entire other post about my relationship with this song and how I kept thinking about it and how well it fits with both my life and probably my favorite book, Hell Followed with Us.

*Deep breath*

I grew up in a very very religious household (I still live in one). My dad's a pastor, my mom works with the youth groups, and I was heavily involved from day one. I was taught to "Love thy neighbour" and that everyone deserved a chance at heaven, that Jesus loves everyone no matter what but at the same time I watched as the very same people would turn around and chase the teen mom out of church or shun the kid who came out as queer and whatever other bullshit things they did.

I remember people at my church saying the most racist and terrible shit ever, like, the kind of things people say on Twitter nowadays but in real life infront of the Pastor and his literal child.

Then, we moved somwhere else and I got sent to a private school up until 5th grade and saw the hate the teachers spread and how a bunch of people bullied this one kid because he was of color and all the rest of us where white and it was so bad that he had to be transferred to a different school the next year because of it but I didn't understand it at the time and he was my best friend so I was so fucking confused.

Same thing happened to a kid in a wheelchair, and, while it wasn't as bad for me, I was, and still kinda am, the fat kid so that made it suck on my part since I heard comments from adults saying things to my mom like "She'd be so much more beautiful if she lost a few more pounds" which, hello??? That's a fucking terrible thing to say about a literal 10 year old child.

That was about the same time I started questioning if any of it was really real and I had a huge drop in my mental health and personally went through hell and back during a bunch of personal stuff I won't get into right now, but involved a lot of questioning my identity and shit and a lot of family drama.

That's when sometime during 2022 my friend (also @silly-boi-broski) suggested me a book called Hell Followed with Us because he was going through some similar stuff. I was skeptical at fist but then I read it and was blown away that someone was writing about similar feelings I had.

The rage and justice I felt while reading it almost broke me because I had grown up in an environment, while not as literally deadly as Benji, was so similar to it that I freaked out and had to put the book down at times. I finally finished it and I felt so seen and understood that I couldn't not want to talk and ramble about it and now I've reread it more times than I can count and everytime it makes me feel so understood.

Fuck, then I remembered the song he sent me and hearing that for the first time made me feel all the same things I did when reading HFWU and it just shocks me.

While I don't align myself with the church in any way, I think I still believe. Kind of like how Faith said it in the book, "I do, actually. And I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about that. Talking to friends--you know, Sadaf is Muslim, Salvador is Catholic, Carly is Jewish--to see if anything clicks. Or if I'm just going to have to deal with believing in the same kind of God those motherfuckers do... I guess what I'm saying is, I believe in something, and I don't know what to do with it, and maybe, I don't actually believe in anything at all, and I just want to because I hate the idea of Trevor being faced with nothing." (-page 55 of the US edition paperback of HFWU)

This is already so long so I'll stop but I still have so much to say about this book and this song but I'll save that for another day.

Here's the song I was talking about btw